Yes, I am irritable. I'm mad as hell at this body that won't cooperate throughout a day. I've tired of the hubs and his demeanin' ways. I've tired of the sad looks that come my way. I'm just plain tired... and irritable...and over emotional.
I do not cry. It's a built in safety mechanism. Only those who I'm certain will not see it as a sign of weakness, demean me for doing it, or shove it in my face later are allowed to witness it. It's just that precious to me. I am human. I hurt, feel losses, pain like the rest. Have become conditioned throughout my life to internalize it. And I have been succeeding quite well, til I became ill.
I'm sick and tired of trying to explain, feeling guilty and rehashing over and over why I might be "fine" one moment, then not the next. Having been told (alot and usually in a not so nice tone...)over the past year things such as "I talk to one person over the phone in the morning and come home to someone else". I would love to look him in the eye and say something akin to "gee, I just do to piss you off and am so pleased it's working". I have no idea why the mood swings, dry sweats, extreme irritability - to go along with the "newer" symptoms of late.
Slamming of things in the kitchen, a thing that is NOT normal for me, brings the hubs into the kitchen, his brown eyes that familiar "I'm pissed and superior" green glaring at me, yelling... What??? Yes, yelling at me - no words of comfort, no understanding my frustration, my need to vent. Just "knock it off, that's enough, you're breaking things". Really??? I broke nothing, I was trying to clean up a kitchen that I had made spotless earlier with much determination and over extended myself apparently. Yes, fine one moment, crash'n burn the next. And yes, I told him I would NOT knock it off, I had broke nothing. And yes, he walked away. Which made me cry. Which ticked me off, which made me cry some more. Did I mention he knows that a dirty kitchen makes me nuts?
He's a very compassionate man when it comes to other folks', their troubles and melt downs. I'm not permitted to have that I reckon. He has gone off to the bar to further induce an alcoholic glaze, while leaving me alone. With pneumonia and a 104 fever, not even a note by my bedside... did I mention I also had complete laryngitis?? My dad came down with lung cancer - stage 4 small cell. I got nothing from him then either. My mom became quite ill - I got demeaned for spending so much time with her, mamaw (who was legally blind) & the aunt (newly diagnosed with m.s.) and they just lived next door....
I'm blamed for the kids not having anything to do with us. "What did you say to piss them off this time?"
It's my fault the dogs don't behave better, although he let's them so what they will unless it's inconvenient for him. He threatens the with shock colors, why? Because he knows it upsets me. Same with the horses, he feeds them when he feels like it, proclaiming that I had spoiled them. I've tried explaining how their guts work to no avail.
Did I mention that I'm extremely irritable and over emotional?
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